I love you so much.
I wish that was enough for you to love me back.
Remembering the first time you were placed in my arms brings a huge smile in my heart and across my face. You opened your eyes and looked at me, we locked eyes and we both smiled. You had my heart from that moment and nothing has changed.
So many years of caring for you and protecting you as you explored life. Watching, as you discovered the world around you was an adventure. Everything was new. Anything you came in contact with was first stared at then felt with finger tips. When it felt nice you would then rub it on your cheek to feel the softness before pushing it into your eager, open mouth. Spitting, while fighting the object removal, you were off to discover something else new.
You were raised in a terrible situation and you have suffered your whole life because of it. Never understanding boundaries, you plowed through life on a mission to find the happiness you were robbed of in your youth.
Oh sweet girl, will you ever know that the love you seek is bottled inside me. It is there for you to take but you will not. You resent me for following my path. For living where I am happy, where I belong, where the Almighty Father put me.
Do you really believe that my life should never have been my own? Do you believe that my life was meant to be used and spent how you orchestrated it ? Was I, in your mind, the one that would always pick up the broken pieces of life while you lived, explored and discovered the world?
Was I, as an end table? Quiet but there in case needed, always standing in the same sure place, ready for any weight to be thrust upon my dusty top?
Twenty years have passed and still you resent me, blaming me for any and all that went wrong in your life. How heavy my heart grows when I think of the time lost between us. So much that should have been shared and now lost in time and space. Never retrievable.
Being needed by all family members from the time I was born was too heavy a load for a child to bear. Life did try it’s best to stop me from ever finding my reason for being. But God Almighty broke me free and led me where He wanted me to be. This is my home, as you have yours.
I am happy to hear that you are doing well and I am sad to hear when you are not. You must know that there are times when I too am doing well and others when I am not.
Please stop being angry and realize that my life was never yours or anyone else’s. It was always God’s.
He just shared it for a while.